just thought that rather than do another 'here's what i did' kind of thing, i'd make a handy guide for attending V, or any festival. Though i suspect this will only be relavent if said festival has EXACTLY the same line up........


CHAPTER ONE - FESTIVAL ETIQUETTE
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1. If you are a sixth foot German man, and meant to be looking after your friends friend while she watches Razorlight, DO NOT go off and get stoned, remerging 4 hours later with some story about how you saw Chantelle and Preston at the bar.

2. If you are watching the Pippettes, only attempt to mimic their dance routines if you have the appropriate space. If you are in a massive crowd, then YOU WILL ACCIDENTALLY PUNCH SOMEBODY IN THE FACE. This also applies when watching Girls Aloud and the Sugababes. In fact, any girlband.

3. DON'T BELIEVE CRAZY SUPRISE PERFORMER RUMOURS. For example, if somebody tells you that Jarvis Cocker is performing his new single in the JJB tent, don't get caught up in a mad fit of Jarvis love and run over to said tent. After about an hour, it will become apparent that this rumour is completely untrue and you've now missed half of Editors set. Who you reeeeeaaally wanted to see.

4. SHARE YOUR UMBRELLA IF IT IS RAINING. Don't just smile condescendingly at the naive child who didn't think she'd need one.



CHAPTER TWO - CAMPING
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This is pretty simple - If its only two days, like V, then don't bother with a tent. Just do an all nighter. If it gets cold, befriend some students and then they will invite you into theirs. Obviously, if they seem to be psychotic then this isn't a good idea.

Addional advice for anyone going to Glastonbury next year - really no need to bother with a tent or food. Just go to the Salvation Army or Hare Krishna tent and you'll get free food and a bed! Way to party with the Christians!!



CHAPTER THREE - BANDS TO SEE
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1. RADIOHEAD. They will blow your tiny mind. Seriously. Although, in all the excitment you may find yourself forming an odd crush on Thom Yorke and thinking that his lazy eye is, in fact, rather hot.

2.BECK. For no other reason than he has a mini Beck puppet on stage with him. Everywhere i go, there's some sign that i should devote my life to puppetry.....

3. THE MAGIC NUMBERS. Not particuarly hardcore, but if they don't make you smile than you have a heart of stone.

4. THE PIPPETTES. See above. Remember to refer to dancing ettiquette as featured in Chapter One.

5.BELL X1. Never heard of them before. But they're really good. Promise. Cross my heart and hope to die.

6. EDITORS. Although i only saw half of their set due to That Jarvis Incident.....

7. WE ARE SCIENTISTS. They weren't actually that great, i just think the singers hot. And the guitarist has the worlds coolest moustache. If such a thing is possible.

8. THE BOY LEAST LIKELY TO. They rule. And they sent Noise Festival a massive box of promotional balloons for no reason whatsoever. Bless.

9. RAZORLIGHT. Okay, so Johnny Borells a twat. But sometimes you can go to a festival, and it turns out a band you expected to hate were your highlight, and the headliner, who you think rules and WHO YOU BOUGHT THE 140 POUND TICKET FOR is actually a bit shit. See the next chapter.


CHAPTER FOUR - THE SHIT LIST
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It genuinely pains me to write this. Cos you know, he was in The Smiths, officially one of the best bands of all time. And, small world that this is, my grandad was head of his school. But MORRISSEY, there were a lot of people there to see you okay? It might be polite, next time, to maybe engage a bit more and not look like you've been kidnapped by Richard Branson who is currently standing stage left with a machete to use on you unless you perform.

Actually, William It Was Really Nothing has just come up on my mp3 so i've decided that all is forgiven. God bless Morrissey.

HOWEVER.......................HARD FI. I really, really don't understand them. They're just not good. And i resent being made to sit through their set, even if it did just prove my point that they suck.


CHAPTER FIVE - EPILOGUE
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So, friends take forth this festival wisdom i have bestowed upon you. Use it wisely however, because in the words of Spiderman ( the third best superhero after and wolverine)
WITH GREAT POWER COMES GREAT RESPONSIBILITY.



Hannah

xxxxxxx